The list of my insecurities is enormous. More than the trading floor of most investment banking firms, ok they deal with securities, but I am talking about insecurities here. Small technical point. I have enough material to fill up 3-4 blogs. One self piteous blog. One ranting/screaming blog. One BOG (blog of guilt), which details all the bad things I have done to everyone. Don't get too carried away here, my life singularly lacks sorditity of any kind. I will mostly be wallowing in post-exam guilt, didn't study enough you see.
Also, I am sure there will be ample material left over to fill a couple of Ph. D. thesis. They might even discover a couple of disorders, recieve massive acclaim and find cushy tenured positions at Princeton. What do I get out of it? I get a disease named after me, if I am lucky. They will probably name it after themselves. Anyway, my point is, as any self-respecting insecure person will tell you that, the best way to perpetuate your insecurites is to continually dwell on them. (I don't count though.)
However, this Turkish fellow working in Google just didn't get it. No one wanted to talk to him. He had no friends. Like only a nerd can, he thought that the best way to solve the problem would be to write a program for it. He was megalomaniac enough (one of his major issues) to name it after himself. He created Orkut. Also, he forced all his workmates to become his 'friend'. He made 342 'friends', but everyone still hated him. He is in a mental asylum right now (meaning he still works for Google).
As everyone hated him, he wanted everyone to love him. So, he created this rating system where all his 'friends' can rate him as 'trustworthy', 'cool' and 'lovable'. Then, he tweaked the code (since he had written the program) so that he got 10 stars on all 3 fronts. He was trustworthy, cool and as lovable as a bunny rabbit. However, he also ensured that all the people who didn't want to be his friend (which was everyone) got low ratings. Everyone still hated him, more. He still remained in the mental asylum...
If only he had loved himself. See, his megalomania has created problems for the rest of humanity (remember Hitler, Mussolini, Ivan the Terrible). Like we already don't have enough expectations to live up to. Who needs one more? This Race For The Stars (RFTS) has created a lot of problems.
The biggest problem is the cult of the One Big Happy Family (OBHF). This is a group of people who gush unimpeded at each other, use highly unobjective means of mutual rating, and make others look like a bunch of lonely losers. Though I have no objection to this practice per se, it has has a very negative effect on the remaining saner population. I shall explain why.
I come from an institution much reknowned for its 'excellence'. The entrance to this institution is controlled by an exam. Getting into this institution requires a number of personality traits. One of the major traits is being able to race, rat race. Thus, having realized that RFTS is another wonderful chance to race and hence win, they throw themselves at it with gay abandon. To win a race (even one of rats), one needs to have a strategy. This group believes that if they were to rate others lowly enough, eventually their rating would be the highest. This is along the lines of the kill-all-your-relatives-inherit-their-money strategy. However, what if all the relatives want to kill each other? This leads to poor souls like me getting branded as 'uncool lonely serial killer' (as opposed to the French Riviera living, Armani suit clad, Maserati driving versions popularized in the movies, stereotypes I say). The OBHF comes into the picture here, it greatly exarcerbates the problem. I am no longer a 'uncool lonely serial killer'. All of a sudden, I have just become the 'uber lonely super uncool serial killer on death row'.
The second major problem is the random-birthday wishes from strangers phenomenon. This basically relates to getting gloating birthday wishes from 'friends' you have never heard before in your life. *Begin Digression* I have heard that once you die, a lot of people come to wish you on your funeral and tell you were nice. Isn't that weird? Why should people say how cool you were, wouldn't it be so much easier for people to say how cool you are. Also, if you did do that (and not fight with him) before he decided to kick it, you might even have got a slice of his inheritance. People. Tsk tsk. *End Digression* So, what is it with people suddenly remembering me on my birthday. Is that what it is?? They want me to die!!
There are also a lot of other problems. I can go on but I am too tired to keep typing. So, lets cut to the chose my homies.
I am giving all of you a golden opportunity to make me trustworthy, uber-cool and immensely lovable. However, I am a rational person. Little I do is without a CBA (Cost Benefit Analysis). I am the first to ask, "So, whats in it for me dude?". It's all about the payoff. So, here is my deal. It is based on the famous i will ki..errm...help you out and you can help me out in turn principle.
1. Rate me as super cool, super lovable and super super trustworty (I believe you). I will do the same. I will also become the fan of the first 5 people who do it.
2. Be my fan. I will be your fan, and to make it worthwhile for you, I will be the fan of one more person of your choosing.
3. Write me a glowing testimonial. I will write you a testimonial. I can also become the fans of 2 people of your choosing.
4. Here is the clincher. Do all 3. In addition to becoming the fan of 4 people of your choosing (in addition to yourself), writing you a scintillating testimonial and rating you 'fully', I give you the opportunity to choose one of the following:
Once my grand plan to become the 'Brad Pitt of Orkut' materializes, as an apology to the Turkish guy, I will follow up with a post gloating on the virtues of Orkut. I am also going to start giving press conferences.
* No harm no foul. This is about the only place I can safely get away with such nonsense. For christs sake dont take any of this seriously! Don't take it to heart. Take it to lungs. Take a deep breath and let it out*
Also, I am sure there will be ample material left over to fill a couple of Ph. D. thesis. They might even discover a couple of disorders, recieve massive acclaim and find cushy tenured positions at Princeton. What do I get out of it? I get a disease named after me, if I am lucky. They will probably name it after themselves. Anyway, my point is, as any self-respecting insecure person will tell you that, the best way to perpetuate your insecurites is to continually dwell on them. (I don't count though.)
However, this Turkish fellow working in Google just didn't get it. No one wanted to talk to him. He had no friends. Like only a nerd can, he thought that the best way to solve the problem would be to write a program for it. He was megalomaniac enough (one of his major issues) to name it after himself. He created Orkut. Also, he forced all his workmates to become his 'friend'. He made 342 'friends', but everyone still hated him. He is in a mental asylum right now (meaning he still works for Google).
As everyone hated him, he wanted everyone to love him. So, he created this rating system where all his 'friends' can rate him as 'trustworthy', 'cool' and 'lovable'. Then, he tweaked the code (since he had written the program) so that he got 10 stars on all 3 fronts. He was trustworthy, cool and as lovable as a bunny rabbit. However, he also ensured that all the people who didn't want to be his friend (which was everyone) got low ratings. Everyone still hated him, more. He still remained in the mental asylum...
If only he had loved himself. See, his megalomania has created problems for the rest of humanity (remember Hitler, Mussolini, Ivan the Terrible). Like we already don't have enough expectations to live up to. Who needs one more? This Race For The Stars (RFTS) has created a lot of problems.
The biggest problem is the cult of the One Big Happy Family (OBHF). This is a group of people who gush unimpeded at each other, use highly unobjective means of mutual rating, and make others look like a bunch of lonely losers. Though I have no objection to this practice per se, it has has a very negative effect on the remaining saner population. I shall explain why.
I come from an institution much reknowned for its 'excellence'. The entrance to this institution is controlled by an exam. Getting into this institution requires a number of personality traits. One of the major traits is being able to race, rat race. Thus, having realized that RFTS is another wonderful chance to race and hence win, they throw themselves at it with gay abandon. To win a race (even one of rats), one needs to have a strategy. This group believes that if they were to rate others lowly enough, eventually their rating would be the highest. This is along the lines of the kill-all-your-relatives-inherit-their-money strategy. However, what if all the relatives want to kill each other? This leads to poor souls like me getting branded as 'uncool lonely serial killer' (as opposed to the French Riviera living, Armani suit clad, Maserati driving versions popularized in the movies, stereotypes I say). The OBHF comes into the picture here, it greatly exarcerbates the problem. I am no longer a 'uncool lonely serial killer'. All of a sudden, I have just become the 'uber lonely super uncool serial killer on death row'.
The second major problem is the random-birthday wishes from strangers phenomenon. This basically relates to getting gloating birthday wishes from 'friends' you have never heard before in your life. *Begin Digression* I have heard that once you die, a lot of people come to wish you on your funeral and tell you were nice. Isn't that weird? Why should people say how cool you were, wouldn't it be so much easier for people to say how cool you are. Also, if you did do that (and not fight with him) before he decided to kick it, you might even have got a slice of his inheritance. People. Tsk tsk. *End Digression* So, what is it with people suddenly remembering me on my birthday. Is that what it is?? They want me to die!!
There are also a lot of other problems. I can go on but I am too tired to keep typing. So, lets cut to the chose my homies.
I am giving all of you a golden opportunity to make me trustworthy, uber-cool and immensely lovable. However, I am a rational person. Little I do is without a CBA (Cost Benefit Analysis). I am the first to ask, "So, whats in it for me dude?". It's all about the payoff. So, here is my deal. It is based on the famous i will ki..errm...help you out and you can help me out in turn principle.
1. Rate me as super cool, super lovable and super super trustworty (I believe you). I will do the same. I will also become the fan of the first 5 people who do it.
2. Be my fan. I will be your fan, and to make it worthwhile for you, I will be the fan of one more person of your choosing.
3. Write me a glowing testimonial. I will write you a testimonial. I can also become the fans of 2 people of your choosing.
4. Here is the clincher. Do all 3. In addition to becoming the fan of 4 people of your choosing (in addition to yourself), writing you a scintillating testimonial and rating you 'fully', I give you the opportunity to choose one of the following:
- Free career advice. Since, you are an Orkut, you possibly need loads of it. You will also have access to my career networking resources (phds, i-bankers, physicists, consultants, monkeys). To make it sweeter, I also offer to edit your resume and read your statement of purpose.
- If you are one of those types who should be coding on 1500$ a month, for your advisor's $10 million project, I will debug your code if it coredumps. If you can't write code, I offer to write upto 500 lines of high-quality error free highly optimized code.
- If, you are one of those types that like to travel, free boarding and lodging if you come to my part of the United States. Since this is close to my heart, I just might throw in some theatre tickets.
Once my grand plan to become the 'Brad Pitt of Orkut' materializes, as an apology to the Turkish guy, I will follow up with a post gloating on the virtues of Orkut. I am also going to start giving press conferences.
* No harm no foul. This is about the only place I can safely get away with such nonsense. For christs sake dont take any of this seriously! Don't take it to heart. Take it to lungs. Take a deep breath and let it out*
15 comments:
Hmmm...do u really want me to do #4?
Btw I just wanted to ask... Ur #1 of the previous post states that you hate people indulging in self pity then why on earth does this post talk about it.
Its one thing to rant about it in a rather 'dry witty' fashion and another thing to begin your post the way you did...insecurities!! It almost gave me the impression that you were serious about it!
--kk
Heya Frigid (Super cool) fella,
Do you really want to be lovable (www.lovable.com), well if you say you do, so you must be, I believe you.(Trustworthy) and what more you want a fanny too, another one?? lol
Well, sporting that loveable demeanor (goto website again), I proclaim this fella is absolutely glowing, that my twisty-monial, good enough??
And, marry you, in loveable and glowing and all...hmmm…may be that’s really asking too much or is it, George Michaels are you listening??
PS: Plain badinage written in fultoo fun spirit. No half-ence intended :-p
interesting that u use the term OBHF. i coined that for an entirely different group of people.
interestingly they are guilty of the same mutual gushing that u accuse them of.
anyway, this is by far the most random and nonsensical ur writing has gotten so far.
~Why, oh, why would anyone in their right frame of mind want to travel to chambana?...You're potential orkut back-scratchers are obviously doing their own BCAs, and so you'll have to work with the ppl here...So, gentle suggestion: if you're gonna offer travel incentives, you'll have to make them transferable, to the 49 contiguous states..at the very least.
~ The trustworthy feature in orkut never fails to crack me up...what an uncommon adjective to describe your friends with, def. not one that pops to mind immediately...
[prahlad] the word is actually borrowed from you..
yeah seriously..i need to stop..it gets tiring to be continually funny..and i want to blog what i want..
I remember you once noticed that my scraps number in the hundreds and assumed I "orkutted" a lot. Haha... I take it you changed your mind after you noticed people with several thousands of scraps!
Baal could never understand the whole scrapping funda. Why not email, he asks? It's fast and its private and it doesn't give doughnut error messages. I never could give him a satisfactory answer.
[kirthi] of course you are welcome to?..what special prize do you choose? a),b) or c)
[hoh] what was the cheesy and most annoying website?...George Micheals???...aha i know what you are implying..tsk tsk..
[jay-san] 2 more..the BOG and the ranting/screaming blog...
[prahlad] refer earlier reply...
[alraqs] oh well...Chambana has corn fields and cows and pickup trucks..what more do you want??..what more would anyone want?? :D..
yeah seriously..you hardly ever think if your friend is trustworthy or not..if he is your friend you mostly trust..
i think that rating has more to do with 'niceness'..
[prashanth] oh seriously..there is one guy with 12000 scraps..not 1200, 12000, 3 zeros after the 12...
i think chat is much better...orkut works well with acquaintances whom who want to get in touch with..
i also use it to ask for people telephone numbers..
I don't know about you guys, but I found a few old classmates and acquaintances on orkut.
Not that we were great buddies in school but we just indulged in small talk (scrap) about what's going on in each other's lives. (Now don't ask me if that makes any difference to me!!)
Also big point to be noted: Although our firewall in the office denies us access to mailboxes and messengers it allows us to access orkut...so does that explain why some IT guys have 28,947,538,764 scraps?
[kirthi]Note the last sentence of the second para. "(I dont count.)". :)
hmm..yeah i was a little apprehensive about how overboard i was going..i don't want this stuff to be misinterpreted..
hmm..that makes sense.....but what a way to waste time..
[hoh] i know you were trying to do something for the entire comment..
don't tell me you were trying to imitate me!..
i am frigid??..no..thats for old women..
Hey, its funny!!!! are you sure #5 is well thought out?? ;)
but I orkut a lot too! I got some pretty negativish testimonials so I hope I am not being counted as a part of OBHFish kinda people! [:)]
in any cse for a person like me, who's pretty bad at keeping in touch, its an easy way out! :)
Aslo, i'd like to see wat happens to the scrap scene after a chat is simply a matter of checking your mails, not logging onto the messenger! (gmail I mean!.....it certainly frees your from the guilt of signing in and chatting, you can't help chckin your mails can you?? )
I shall stop before my comment is more of a rant than the post itself is! :)
Oh yes, I'm not so hypocritical to condemn orkut as completely useless and still use it. I basically use it as a database kind of thing so that I can contact old friends or find older friends if and when I need to. Still, the various things in orkut like the cool/sexy/trustworthy ratings, hot-lists and crush-lists and what not and what not, tend to be silly and ridiculous.
plagiarism properly attrbuted is research he he he...
bad bad ramani! no doughnut for u!
sigh*
psst.. add me in orkut! :P
[madhura] hmm....oh well you are part of the team that made up the obhf term..so you don't count..
oh well..i really don't chat that much nowadays...don't like it that much actually..
the only thing i find orkut good for is getting the phone numbers of acquaintaces..
you MAIL friends..
[prashanth] totally agree..i think it's designed more for the 12th grade college types..not 'old' people like us..
[divster] are you serious?..i can send you can invite!..
as i said..it's a big waste of time..it's good if you can make sure you visit it once in 10 days..
[intern] hmm..thanks!..thats ok..you don't have to comment onm all my posts!
how about visiting every 10 mins? does that sound good :P
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